18 Essential Truths for Healthier Relationships
For many years, I beat myself up for wanting a companion.
As someone with an anxious attachment style, I’ve always craved a deep, meaningful connection—even if it somehow seemed to elude me.
Now I understand why.
I expected my potential partners to meet all of my needs unendingly. I thought that if I could land a boyfriend that it would make all of the chaos, instability, and trauma of my past go away. I believed that love was something you found in another—something that happened naturally based on the compatibility and connection between two people.
I had it all wrong.
I now know that wanting a romantic relationship is normal—and natural. As human beings, we are neurologically hard-wired for connection. I now know that one person can’t meet every single emotional need that comes up for me. They have a career to manage, a rolodex of friends to maintain, and interests and hobbies and passions to pursue. I now know that love isn’t something you find, it’s something you build—by setting clear boundaries, managing each other’s expectations, and having difficult conversations that would be easier to avoid. I now know that, while my partner can support and encourage and hold space for me, they cannot take away the pain I carry with me from my past. That is my responsibility to address—and heal.
It was a long and winding road to get here, though. And it was rarely easy and straightforward.
Whether you’ve been married for many years or are just starting to date, there are some essential truths that are important to know when it comes to love and relationships. I’ve listed them below. Read through them carefully and reflect on them with the journaling prompts that follow.
So you don’t have to make the same mistakes that I did (or as many times as I did!) in order to learn.
Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment.
18 Essential Relationship Truths
1. It’s okay to want a companion.
It’s okay to want a relationship. It’s okay to want to be close to a partner, to communicate openly, and to crave stability. It’s okay to want someone who will be your equal and want to grow with you. These are normal things to desire. While our overly-individualistic society may tell you that it’s not okay to depend on others, that is a farce. Don’t shame yourself for wanting these things.
2. Your partner is not your parent.
They can’t love you unconditionally. They can’t give you unending positive regard. They can’t fulfill all of your needs every single time. They can’t be responsible for your entire emotional well-being. You are the only person who can do that. Your partner is only human, and only capable of so much. They can’t be your everything. They can’t be your savior. These kinds of expectations put a lot of pressure on your partner and may actually push them away.
3. You are responsible.
For your feelings. For your healing. For your expectations. For your projections. For your triggers. For your self-soothing. For communicating how you feel. For asking for what you need. For the people you allow into your life. For letting go of what happened to you. Stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for your role in the dysfunctional relational dynamics in your life. Own up to what you can and refuse to take on any further blame. Refuse to play the blame game at all because it keeps you locked in shame. And shame is one of the big fears that keeps your anxious attachment alive.
4. It’s not all about you.
Do your best not to take things personally. Personalizing is an ego tactic and one of the most common cognitive distortions employed by people who have an anxious attachment style. Realize that we all exist in a complex web of commitments and relationships that make life far more complicated and nuanced than always being about you. Refuse to take that on.
5. If you weren’t taught it, you need to actively learn it.
Many of us grew up in environments where healthy intimacy was not modeled, nor key relational skills taught. And, while we are not at fault for the limitations of our parents, we still have to confront what holds us back as adults. In short, you’re responsible for re-parenting yourself! If you don’t know how to pick the best partner for you or how to communicate without being defensive, seek out the education, information, and guidance you need in order to learn. And do your best to apply that knowledge in your relationships.
6. Love takes work.
Many people think that relationships should be easy and effortless, requiring no work on the part of either participant. But great relationships are built, they aren’t found; they don’t just happen accidentally, they are created intentionally by two partners who have committed to their individual and mutual growth. Bottom line: Your relationship will take work. It will require consistent and purposeful attention, clear and direct communication, and deep and vulnerable discussions. And not just by you. Make sure you find someone who will sit with you in times of discomfort, take your feedback seriously, and put in reciprocal effort.
7. It’s not okay to yell, call each other names, or become overly aggressive.
Make it clear from the outset what is acceptable and unacceptable to each of you when it comes to how you treat each other during disagreements. Battling, berating or belittling each other is not a healthy or productive use of energy—and is deeply triggering for many. Emotional regulation is critical for conflict resolution. Establish these expectations before you argue so that you can disagree healthily and productively.
8. Your differences (can) make you stronger.
While it’s important to find someone with whom you share key values and a vision for the future, throw away the expectation that they need to be exactly like you in order for you to have a healthy relationship. That’s simply not true. Your partner is not you, and that’s a good thing! In fact, some of their strengths may complement your weaknesses—and vice versa. That’s how you shore each other up and add more to each other’s lives: By being different. Honor that.
9. Control is the enemy of intimacy.
If you experienced calamity in your childhood, previous relationships, or both, you may feel a strong pull to control and manipulate your partner and relationship in order to feel safe. But control and manipulation are not love. Love is freedom. Learn to lean into the uncertainty and discomfort of your day to day life. Learn to let go of the need to influence every decision or bring about a certain outcome. Learn to release your grasp on the situation. When you do this, you’ll find that it’s much healthier to simply communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling and ask directly for what it is that you need at that moment. That’s how you build intimacy.
For even more wisdom on love and relationships, check out 14 Lessons in Love I Wish I’d Learned Sooner.
10. Someone can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.
Our ability to show up in any relationship is directly proportional to the amount of self-work we’ve done and amount of time we’ve invested in our healing and growth. If your partner, friend, or loved one has not done this work, they will likely project their pain onto you. And they’ll probably criticize, judge, and slander you to boot. Do not react to this darkness in another. Realize that it’s a waste of time to try to explain yourself to these people. See this as the lack of self-awareness and personal development that it is and do your best to recognize where this person is on their journey. You do not have to cut these people out of your life per se, but you should know what they are capable of giving and only expect to meet them at that depth and no further.
11. Know your dealbreakers and stick to them.
There are certain things you know you can’t, won’t, and shouldn’t tolerate in a partner. Make sure you’re clear about them upfront. And don’t allow yourself to budge on these. Whether it has to do with communication, faith, finances, drugs/smoking, having kids, getting married, monogamy, or more—stick to your guns! These are the things that really matter to you. Don’t compromise in these areas.
12. Your partner can’t read your mind.
Instead of being passive aggressive, speak up. Instead of holding it all in until you burst, speak up. Instead of making your partner assume how you feel, speak up. At the end of the day, we have to teach people how to love us. If you don’t open up about how you feel and share your perspective and emotions with your partner, they may never know. Use your words!
13. Talk about the deep stuff early on.
You don’t need to keep the peace. Dating is about finding a suitable partner and being curious about what makes this new person tick. Ask the tough questions early on, before feelings are involved and there’s risk in asking. Discuss dealbreakers upfront so you know if the two of you are aligned. Yes, you will weed out a lot of potential partners this way. But you’ll also save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak in the process. Wouldn’t you rather know if it’s not going to work out on the second date instead of the second year of seeing someone? Absolutely. Don’t be afraid to eliminate the wrong partners so you can get to the right ones.
14. Everything external will fade.
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner to be successful, attractive, and generous, please know that those qualities may not last forever. Looks fade. Careers go through ups and downs. Money comes and goes. Instead of just looking at what’s on the outside, be sure to look at what’s on the inside, too. Look for kindness, ambition, determination, thoughtfulness, communication, and growth. Look for someone who leans in. That’s what you need. That’s the kind of partner with whom you can make it for the long haul.
15. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.
In order to grow more secure and maintain a healthy sense of independence, it’s critical that you proactively prioritize taking care of your mind, body, and spirit on a daily basis. Relying on practices and techniques like journaling, meditating, exercising, visualizing, and connecting with friends and loved ones can help you self-regulate and remain calm—even during stressful or triggering times. Don’t let these fall to the wayside. They are your responsibility and will help you show up more fully as yourself and for the betterment of all your relationships.
Expand your knowledge when it comes to love and relationships. Check out my list of 9 Books That Changed My Love Life.
16. Relationships are dynamic.
Relationships—especially long-term ones—will endure many seasons. When you know someone for several years or even decades you will experience many different sides of their personality and witness them in many different moods and phases of life. The same is true of you. Do your best to honor and respect how your connections ebb and flow between periods of closeness and space, intimacy and distance, passion and calmness. Allow yourself to ride these tides in and out as they naturally occur, and do your part to restore and build the connection where possible and appropriate. Remember that space, independence, and privacy are necessary for any relationship to flourish—and they don’t necessarily mean that your connection is unsafe or under threat.
17. You do not have to be completely healed to have a meaningful connection.
Throw away the idea that you need to wait to be in a relationship until some milestone in the future. This is an ego trick and an avoidance strategy and will keep you single and alone far longer than necessary. Healing and self-love aren’t prerequisites for a healthy relationship. They also aren’t destinations, but ongoing processes that you invest in day by day. Do your inner work, but not at the expense of being in relationships. Connecting with others is in your nature.
18. Your partner isn’t perfect.
Sooner or later you will realize that the person you’re in a relationship with is not perfect. They’re only human after all. If you have idealized them or put them on a pedestal, as is characteristic of people with an anxious attachment style, this realization can be disappointing at best and crushing at worst. When your partner makes a mistake or lets you down—which they will eventually do—remember this: We’re all just doing the best we can. Try not to take it personally. Allow yourself to accept your partner for all of their strengths and weaknesses, givings and misgivings. Give them some grace. You’ll want the same when you mess up or disappoint them, too.
Are you tired of being anxious in relationships, feeling like you always give more than you get, and worrying about if you’ll get left or end up alone? If so, you may have an anxious attachment style.
If you’re ready to make a change and grow more secure, I’d be honored to accompany you on that journey as your coach. You can read more about my coaching philosophy and book an appointment with me here.
Now, reflect on these truths.
What, if anything, did you learn from reading the above truths? What surprised you most from this list?
How do you plan to apply these in your current or future relationship(s)?
Were you reminded of any mistakes you’ve made in previous relationships? If so, detail them. How would you show up differently now?
