5 Ways to Heal a Fear of Abandonment
I gathered up the courage to call him shortly after 1:00 in the morning.
“Is everything okay?” I said, my voice wrought with fear and restlessness. “I haven’t heard from you in hours.”
“I was having drinks and ran into a bunch of friends. The time flew by and I forgot to text,” he said. “I didn’t mean to leave you hanging. I just got home.”
A sigh of relief escaped my chest, letting out all of the tension I’d allowed to build over the course of the evening. My disappointment soon turned to guilt.
I could’ve sworn I felt his energy shift in our communication. I was confident that his silence was speaking volumes. I filled this perceived space with worst-case scenario thinking, trying to prepare myself for a breakup. I seriously thought he was going to leave me. Truth is, I’d been down this road before. It’s paved with the best of intentions but the worst of assumptions. And it doesn’t lead anywhere productive.
But my honesty changed all that. By opening up, I allowed my partner at the time to understand how I felt. By opening up, I honored my needs for reassurance and clarity. By opening up, we were able to mend.
And while that relationship ran its course, it showed me that I had the power within me all along. The power to realize there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, standing up for my needs, or asking for clarity and reassurance.
Read my blogs, 7 Ways to Heal the Anxious Attachment Style, 12 Ways to Make an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work, 8 Books for Healing Anxious Attachment, 4 Breakup Tips for Anxious Attachers, The Anxious Attacher’s Guide to Setting Boundaries, and 7 Conflict Resolution Techniques That Can Save Your Relationships.
These same realizations are available to you as well. Continue reading below to understand more about fear of abandonment—and how to begin healing from it.
You deserve to know that you’re not alone, that you’re worthy of love, and that you won’t be left.
It starts with you.
What is a fear of abandonment?
A fear of abandonment is a deep-seated fear of being left or cheated on, ending up alone, or not finding someone at all. Most apparent when one becomes vulnerable in an adult romantic relationship, this fear can typically be traced back to a traumatic wounding event in childhood, but in some cases can form later in life as well. While there are many different experiences that can cause a fear of abandonment to develop, it typically takes an abandonment trauma for us to learn to fear it. This can come in the form of neglect, abuse, invalidation, inconsistent affection or intimacy, or emotional abandonment and physical abandonment in our closest connections—sometimes going all the way back to the environment in which we were raised. Here are some specific examples of childhood trauma as well as traumatic events in adulthood that can cause a fear of abandonment:
Your parents divorcing
A parent moving far away
Addiction in the core family unit
A death in the nuclear family
Not knowing one or both parents
Being adopted
Living in foster care
Having a parent tell you directly or indirectly that you’re too sensitive
Feeling that one or both parents are hot and cold
Being raised by someone who provides for you physically but has no time or energy to listen to you, get to know who you are, or sit with your emotions
Generally not feeling understood in your family environment
Dating one or multiple partners who are narcissistic, abusive, or extremely critical
Being cheated on in a current or previous relationship
Dating multiple partners who are inconsistent or to some degree emotionally unavailable
As a coach for people with an anxious attachment style, fear of abandonment comes up every day in my work. That’s because a fear of abandonment is one of the core components of the anxious attachment style, and it can lead folks to get involved with individuals and stay in intimate relationships that aren’t safe, further exacerbating their abandonment wound(s).
But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Before we dive into ways to heal from a fear of abandonment, let’s explore how it can seriously harm our relationships.
Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment.
How can a fear of abandonment harm my relationships?
There are three primary ways that a fear of abandonment can harm your interpersonal relationships. They are as follows:
A fear of abandonment can cause self-abandonment
A fear of abandonment can be a self-fulfilling prophecy
A fear of abandonment can lead to a cycle of unfulfilling relationships
These three repercussions of experiencing a fear of abandonment are by no means mutually exclusive. In fact, in many cases, they overlap and feed into one another. Read on to find out how a fear of abandonment can be detrimental to your closest bonds.
A fear of abandonment can cause self-abandonment
Here’s what many people don’t realize about a fear of abandonment: it can actually lead to self-abandonment. How does this happen? When you experience separation anxiety and are afraid of being left or ending up alone, you’ll do anything to make the relationship work, no matter the cost. As a result, you’ll let most or all of your needs—including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual ones—fall to the wayside. When you meet someone, you stop taking care of yourself and doing the things that bring you joy and help you live a balanced life. Here are some examples:
If you’re into fitness, you stop working out
If you’re into journaling, you stop writing
If you’re into meditating, you stop seeking stillness
But here’s the thing: When you stop taking care of yourself, you grow restless and resentful. And then you project that resentment onto other people. Mostly because you know deep down that you’re not doing what’s right for you, and that guilt eats you up!
Don’t let your fear of being left make you sabotage yourself. Keep doing the things you’re passionate about. Invest in activities and habits that are replenishing and rejuvenating to you. Continue to connect with people that you love and appreciate, like your friends and family—and even yourself.
You’ll feel more empowered, confident, and harmonious when you do.
2. A fear of abandonment can be a self-fulfilling prophecy
If you’re afraid of being abandoned, you will do several things that actually bring about the very disconnection you’re seeking to avoid. The first thing you will do is subvert your own needs. Also, your fear of abandonment may actually warp your perspective of the world around you. This can make you rely on cognitive distortions like catastrophizing—thinking about worst case scenarios—or personalizing—making somebody else’s behavior about you—causing you to end up looking at the world in a distorted way. This inevitably impacts how you perceive your partner, and you’ll be on high alert as a result.
Since you’ve already convinced yourself that your partner is going to leave you or cheat on you, you’ll keep score. You’ll look for any indication or information that they are pulling away and that they no longer care about you. And you will use any action—no matter how small—to justify these beliefs so that you feel in control of the situation. Because your brain can’t tell the difference between perceived danger and actual danger, it feels like you’re unsafe and threatened and so you believe it to your bones.
Due to subverting your own needs and not taking care of yourself—not exercising or journaling or meditating—you have no recourse (or so you think) to get out of this spiral. Your fear has a chokehold on you at this point. Since you’re so afraid of being left, you’ll do anything to keep the peace in the relationship, especially not revealing your feelings, so you never get the clarification you need from your partner because you’re so afraid of pushing them away that you never allow yourself to open up and ask for what you need.
As you can see—and have likely felt firsthand—this is not only exhausting to you but extremely damaging to the relationship you’re desperately trying to save. And it often leads to the relationship unraveling entirely, completing the self-fulfilling prophecy.
As the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love says, “It’s always most effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, assuming the worst, which is typical of insecure attachment styles, often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
3. A fear of abandonment can lead to a cycle of unfulfilling relationships
One of the most painful parts of a fear of abandonment is having that fear confirmed by one or even several relationships that eventually turn sour. In fact, the more we experience the familiar sting of rejection and abandonment, the more likely we are to expect it to happen in our future relationships. As a result, you’ll be much less likely to approach your new relationships from a place of safety, security, and warmth, and will inevitably come across as cold, critical, or even callous, thereby attracting exactly the kind of connection that you don’t want.
Do your best after each relationship to process what happened and find ways to learn, grow, and advance on your healing journey. Not everyone is going to leave, abandon, or cheat on you. Part of taking back your power means recognizing that you get to choose whom you allow to have access to you moving forward, and therefore that you play a key role in whether or not your future relationships will be aligned with what you need and want. It also means recognizing that you are no longer a powerless child and are a fully-formed adult capable of making powerful, conscious, healing choices.
Spend some time contemplating or journaling on the kind of relationship that you want. Focus on the values and morals that you’re looking for and how you want your future relationship to feel. Hone in on things like a sense of safety and security, clarity and consistency. Start with whatever you felt was missing in your previous partnerships. Then raise your standards to align with this new vision for your future while also addressing any aspects of yourself that might require attention or healing in order to be the kind of partner that person will need.
Ravaged by a fear of abandonment but not sure where to start on your healing journey? The Anxious Attachment Style Healing Toolkit is here to help.
5 Ways to Heal From a Fear of Abandonment
1. Stop hyper-focusing on everyone’s else’s needs while neglecting your own.
The first thing you can do to heal a fear of abandonment is to bring the focus back to you. That’s right: you have to learn to consistently take care of yourself! Many people who have experienced the deep pain of abandonment have turned into people pleasers or people who experience codependency. Both scenarios make the other person the priority. They get put on the pedestal while your needs suffer.
If you want to heal, you need to take your power back and shift the focus back to you and what it is that you need. Make sure that you’re meeting your own basic needs like eating nutritious foods, getting a good night’s rest, staying hydrated, exercising your body, and meditating or journaling to process emotions. These things tend to be the first that fall to the wayside if you’re afraid of being left because you’ll do anything to save that relationship. So go on that walk, take that break from drinking, make that dinner for yourself. These things add up.
And they also help you to see that even if your worst fears come true, you’ll always have you.
Additionally, take inventory of your needs, values, love languages, and attachment style. Fall in love with learning about who you are. That way in the future you'll be able to recognize and invest in safe connections, first and foremost with yourself!
2. Find and nurture safe, healthy relationships.
The second way that you can heal a fear of abandonment is through safe relationships. Those who experience a fear of abandonment have typically experienced extensive trauma, abuse, neglect, and instability in their closest relationships throughout their lives. As an adult who’s looking to heal, it’s imperative that you find and invest in people who actually respect, appreciate, and support you. These relationships help you to see that being left is not the only option—that safety and security are actually possible.
I know you might be thinking, “Chris, I don’t have any safe relationships like that in my life!” And you know what? It’s not uncommon for that to be the case. That’s okay.
Even if you start building a sense of safety in your relationship with a therapist or a coach (like me!), that’s perfectly normal. You could also start with a family member or childhood friend you know is reliable.
The goal is to be able to be your full, authentic self, and express yourself to these people. While this can be incredibly scary for someone who experiences a fear of abandonment, when you allow them to be there for you and to show you that you can open up and not be criticized or invalidated, you start to realize that not all relationships will crush or betray you, or end tragically.
The people you select are totally up to you. But you have to start building safety somewhere—and with folks capable of being there for you in that way.
3. Soothe your inner child.
The third way that you can heal a fear of abandonment is by learning to sit with your inner child. When you get triggered, you feel threatened and unsafe. That’s your inner child screaming out for the nurturing and attention and love they never got. You have to learn to sit with and soothe yourself—to remind yourself: I am safe here, no matter what happens. You can do this through reciting affirmations or journaling on your fears or visualizing being comforted—anything that you can do to remind yourself that you’re not in any actual danger and you don’t have to stay in survival mode.
Try having an internal conversation in your mind with a younger or previous version of yourself. Picture them clearly. Sit them down across from you and tell them all the things they never got to hear. Give them the validation, reassurance, and closure they never got. Breathe through the discomfort together and allow the emotions you’re experiencing to be present.
You can also explore nervous system regulation techniques such as cold exposure (try taking a cold shower or washing your hands in cold water!), body movement (focus on stretching, dancing, or yoga!), and breathwork (look into meditative techniques such as box breathing or tapping to assist!).
Find some ways to self-soothe that work for you—and stick with them.
4. Integrate your trauma.
The fourth way that you can heal a fear of abandonment is through integrating your trauma. The process of emotional integration simply means looking at some of the most painful events that have ever happened to you and saying: “You know what? They made me stronger. You know what? They didn’t last. And you know what? They’re not all of me, they’re a part of me. It’s something I experienced, but it’s not who I am.”
I find writing and reflection to be the best tools for emotional integration. You can also meditate on some of the most painful things you’ve been through and try to feel any unexpressed emotions associated with those events. Another technique is to write an attachment narrative, or the story of the relationships that influenced how you look at relationships today. A final way to practice emotional integration is through letter writing. In my coaching program, I have my clients write letters of forgiveness. The first letter is to someone who hurt them and the second is to themselves. While they don’t send these letters, it helps them to express deeply repressed emotions and change their perspective on the key events that are still influencing them today.
5. Don’t take your fear or feelings as facts.
Please hear me clearly: Your fear and feelings are NOT facts! While many of us take these at face value and don’t question them, it’s crucial that you learn to feel your fear and feelings while not always acting on them.
So, challenge those negative thoughts and limiting beliefs. Try to make sure that you see the positive or good things in your partner and relationship by proactively practicing gratitude and expressing appreciation for what they’ve done and continue to do for you. Unless you have evidence to prove that they are going to leave or have cheated, you’ve got to find a way to break your harmful beliefs.
It’s also important that you start allowing whatever emotional experience you’re having to be present. In other words, lean into the discomfort and uncertainty. Accept that it’s what’s happening for you right now and that you don’t need to change it or push it aside. This is the paradox of feeling: the more you allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, the quicker it will actually pass. This can also buy you precious time to calm down and regulate your nervous system. Then, when you’ve reached a calmer, more clear-headed state, you can re-engage.
From fear of abandonment to fulfilling relationships
Do you constantly worry about whether or not your partner will cheat on you or leave you? Do you keep track of their every move because you don’t feel safe or like you can fully trust? Do you lash out and self-sabotage even when you have no rational reason to believe that they will betray you?
If so, then please know that you are not alone.
As a coach for people with an anxious attachment style, I work with folks all over the world who struggle with these same doubts—with this same fear of abandonment. Together in the safe container of a coaching relationship, I help my clients learn to regulate their nervous systems, release the pain of the past, and rewire their brains to both build and accept a sense of safety and trust in a relationship. In short, I help them reparent themselves.
It’s a wondrous process to behold.
Take my former client, Amanda, for example. She had been single for six years and was in and out of situationship after situationship. Nothing seemed to be working out. Every time Amanda seemed to get her hopes up about someone, she felt like the rug was pulled out from under her, and back to the dating apps she crept. This pattern unfolded for so long that she wondered if she’d ever meet someone with whom she could build the future she’d always imagined for herself. When she reached out to me she had already tried several different forms of therapy, spoken to many mental health professionals, read dozens of self-help books, and still struggled to have the kind of healthy relationship she wanted—and craved. She was at her wits end.
While working with me in the second to last week of my program Amanda ended up going on a date with someone that wasn’t her usual type. She kept an open mind and applied all of the learnings she picked up from our reparenting work. Before she knew it, within a couple of months the two of them made their relationship official. She was over the moon.
Amanda and her beau have been together ever since—and even recently got engaged! They care deeply for each other and have created a safe, stable partnership where they are equals and are able to navigate life’s challenges together. They’re currently planning their wedding and talking about having kids—everything Amanda struggled to envision that she’d have.
I want you to know that this kind of consistent long-term relationship is possible for you, too! And it exists on the other side of your fear.
Just like with Amanda, this stuff takes work. But if you’re ready to end the cycle of abandonment and see what’s on the other side, I’m ready and willing to embark on the healing journey with you.
Use the form below to set up a free Coaching Consultation with me.
I’d love to hear more about your journey and how I can help. I can’t wait to hear from you!
