8 Books for Healing Anxious Attachment
Reading has always been a sanctuary and savior for me.
One of my absolute favorite feelings is curling up on the couch on a rainy day, legs sprawled, with a hot cup of tea and a book I can’t seem to put down. There’s something about the pitter-patter of raindrops juxtaposed with the comfort of a weighted blanket and the smell of a new book. Call it hygge. Call it cozy. Call it whatever you like. But that feeling of calm contentment is enrapturing to me.
It’s also been incredibly empowering over the many years of my emotional healing journey, and as I’ve worked to heal my anxious attachment style.
While I’ve written extensively about some of the most powerful books I’ve read in posts like 13 Books That Changed My Life and 9 Books That Changed My Love Life, as a coach for people with an anxious attachment style, I knew it was high time for me to make a list dedicated to the books that have helped me most when it came to healing my own attachment style.
That’s what you’ll find below: a roundup of the books that will wake you up, challenge and change your worldview, and put you to work. All in the spirit of healing from your childhood trauma and growing more emotionally secure.
My greatest wish is that they help you just as much as they’ve helped me.
7 Books to Help You Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style
1. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Synopsis: Attached is one of the most popular books on attachment theory—and for good reason. It’s an excellent introduction to attachment styles as a framework for better understanding oneself and one's relational patterns, as I’ve written about time and time again. Attached is one of the easier reads on attachment theory, and details compelling client stories as well as helpful ways to grow more emotionally secure. One of a handful of books that truly changed my life for the better, Attached is an essential read for any anxious attacher interested in understanding their own relationship history, as well as the relationships of those around them, in the hopes of having healthier, happier relationships now and in the future.
My favorite quotes:
“Our culture encourages you [those with an anxious attachment style] to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that is what's important.”
"Instead of thinking how you can change yourself in order to please your partner, as so many relationship books advise, think: Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?”
“If you're anxious, when you start to feel something is bothering you in a relationship, you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotions and think in extremes. Unlike your secure counterpart, you don't expect your partner to respond positively but anticipate the opposite. You perceive the relationship as something fragile and unstable that can collapse at any moment. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively.”
“Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.”
“Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an active agent who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer emotional dialogue.”
2. Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment by Chris Rackliffe
Synopsis: Based on thousands of hours of coaching work I’ve done with anxious attachers across five continents, Needy No More is a comprehensive guide for not only understanding why you behave the way you do in relationships, but also how to actually heal your wounds, interrupt your patterns, and grow more secure. Once and for all. With anecdotes and insights, exercises and activities, Needy No More is the reading companion anyone looking to actually heal their anxious attachment style needs. Read the first chapter from the book here. And be sure to explore these additional excerpts: 4 Breakup Tips for Anxious Attachers, The Anxious Attacher’s Guide to Setting Boundaries, and 7 Conflict Resolution Techniques That Can Save Your Relationships.
My favorite quotes:
“Peace awaits those who are brave enough to slow down long enough to claim it. It’s called intuition and not extuition for a reason. Learning to trust ourselves is where the gold resides. So, go inwards. You are the only thing you can control anyway. Better to focus your energy on yourself and your vessel. Often, this is the message from the exhaustion that comes from reading into the room all the time. Detach, disengage, and change your frame of reference. You will realize that all is well as it is. And if you feel it’s not, the answer lies not necessarily in the environment around you but in what’s happening inside you.”
“When you go through a series of experiences that make you feel inferior, it’s only natural that you start to believe that you actually are.”
“Absence doesn’t make our hearts grow fonder, it makes them grow more afraid, more apprehensive, more uncertain.”
“You can’t build a resonant relationship with someone else when the relationship you have with yourself is dissonant.”
“Intensity is never the answer for inadequacy.”
“The most important thing is that you listen to your body. It will tell you what you need to know.”
“Keeping out the hurt means keeping out the healing because avoiding pain means blocking connection.”
“Remind yourself that people behave from their level of self-awareness, act from their level of self-healing, and give from their level of self-love.”
“If someone is only as needy as their unmet needs, then to call someone needy means you’re admitting that you can’t, won’t, or don’t want to meet their needs—and indeed that you aren’t meeting them.”
3. Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps
Synopsis: Insecure in Love is another helpful book for healing anxious attachment. Drawing from psychological research and clinical insights, the book explores how early childhood experiences and emotional patterns shape our attachment styles and impact our interactions with romantic partners. Becker-Phelps identifies common insecurities and behaviors that stem from the four different attachment styles and provides resources and tools for addressing each of them head-on. With nearly 1,800 reviews on Amazon and a 4.5 out of 5 rating on average, Insecure in Love is a must-read when healing from anxious attachment.
My favorite quotes:
"In a room full of people, it makes sense to help the person who’s suffering the most, the one we know best, the one we’re most capable of helping. Sometimes that person is you.”
"One final caution: Don’t be too quick to move past a “nice-but-boring” date. As Levine and Heller (2010) note, sometimes people equate their attachment-related anxiety with the feeling of being in love. When someone is comfortable to be with and seems accepting of you, your attachment-related anxiety might not be triggered. So it’s entirely possible that the ‘nice person’ you met might be a great fit for you—despite the lack of immediate ‘excitement.’”
"By practicing self-compassion, you can begin to break the cycle of anxious attachment and develop more secure patterns of relating."
“It helps to remember that emotions are part of being human, even when they are painful. It also helps to be patient with yourself; learning to befriend your emotions can be a long-term project and a skill that you will have to practice for the rest of your life.”
“You must allow yourself to let down your defenses and experience vulnerability within a caring relationship. Then you’ll need to develop the inner resilience to continue reaching out even after you feel hurt by your new love (which will happen eventually in any close relationship.”
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
4. The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships by Annie Chen and Sumaiya Ahmed
Synopsis: Unlike other books on this list, The Attachment Theory Workbook takes more of a practical, hands-on approach. Offering a step-by-step guide to healing anxious attachment and growing more secure in a workbook format, those seeking tangible tools won’t be disappointed. If you’re ready to hunker down and get to the root of your attachment wounds in order to advance along the attachment spectrum and earn a secure attachment style, this book is for you. While it’s not necessarily a quote-worthy book, it will help you focus on self-reflection and actually do the work required to heal.
5. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
Synopsis: One of the foremost experts on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and its impacts on the body, van der Kolk dives deep into the impacts of childhood trauma on the nervous system—and how to begin the process of healing from it. With a multitude of memorable stories and innumerable studies cited, The Body Keeps the Score is as personal as it is academic. While not the easiest read on the list, it might just be the most important. I revisit this book often as a Bible of sorts on nervous system dysregulation and what to do about it. You’d be wise to do the same.
My favorite quotes:
“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”
“As I often tell my students, the two most important phrases in therapy, as in yoga, are “Notice that” and “What happens next?” Once you start approaching your body with curiosity rather than with fear, everything shifts.”
“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way the mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
“As long as we feel safely held in the hearts and minds of the people who love us, we will climb mountains and cross deserts and stay up all night to finish projects.”
“In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”
6. Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody
Synopsis: While this book feels more clinical than most, Facing Love Addiction is a powerful confrontation of something many anxious attachers fail to notice: it’s also a form of addiction. The hyperfocus on the desired, the withdrawal symptoms when they’re physically or emotionally absent or we experience separation anxiety, the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. Loaded with lists and practical tips, Facing Love Addiction is a must-read for anyone looking to ditch their anxious, addictive ways once and for all—and finally have the stable, healthy relationship they deserve.
My favorite quotes:
“When the parent abandons or neglects the child, the child receives the message that ‘I won’t care for you because you are worthless.’”
“Love Addiction, like other addictive processes, is an obsessive-compulsive process used to relieve or medicate intolerable reality.”
“Love Addicts do not see who the other party really is, but instead see the image they created in childhood.”
“What we call passion and love is really intensity; and we call it “normal,” meaning that many relationships are like this. But while this sort of addictive process may be common, in my opinion it isn’t healthy. In a codependent-addictive relationship, one or both parties are almost always in delusion about the fact that their relationship is based not on love but on a form of positive and negative intensity that they mistake for passion and love.”
“If our childhood experiences of abandonment are severe enough, we start looking for abandonment in every corner.”
“As you quit projecting your denied feelings so much, you may come to realize that the other person’s action you dislike is often intended to take care of him or her and not designed to do you harm at all.”
7. The Anxious Heart's Guide: A Comprehensive Guide to Overcoming Anxiety in Love by Rikki Cloos
Synopsis: Rikki Cloos, attachment expert and operator of one of the most preeminent Instagram accounts on it—@theanxiousheartsguide—also wrote a book by the same name. A personal friend of mine, trust me when I say that Rikki’s book, just like her Instagram, is jam-packed with wisdom and tangible tools for healing from your anxious attachment style. Grab a copy and supercharge your growth towards the secure side of the attachment spectrum.
My favorite quotes:
“I want to be gentle with myself and my progress even when it’s hard and I feel like I’ve failed; maybe especially then. I want to see myself in the best light; the light that I view the ones I love in. I am working to make my life better and I am lovable, as I am right now, flaws and all.”
“Anxious attachers tend to use other people (especially their romantic partners or love interests) to regulate their emotions. This is not only extremely unhealthy, but feels terrible to experience. In this position, we find ourselves completely at the mercy of someone else to calm us, pacify our upsets, and make us happy. We are essentially adrift on their ocean. Their storms will shake us and their calm will soothe us. When we allow others to dictate how we feel, we have effectively given up control over our own emotional state. The anxious attacher is freed only when they can learn to emotionally regulate themselves and stop over-relying on others.”
8. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Synopsis: Likely the easiest book to consume on this list, Codependent No More is as much a classic as it is captivating. That’s likely why Beattie’s book has sold over 5 million copies! Her writing style is simple and straightforward yet lovely and lyrical, drawing you in and keeping you hooked. Don’t be surprised if you devour this one in a day or two as you see a little bit of yourself on every page. And don’t be surprised if it changes your life just as much as it changed mine.
My favorite quotes:
“Sometimes, the things we do to protect ourselves turn on us and hurt us. They become self-destructive.”
“Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can’t solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act, and take care of ourselves. We lose control.”
“The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.”
“Many of us learned these things because when we were children, someone very important to us was unable to give us the love, approval, and emotional security we needed. So, we’ve gone about our lives the best way we could, still looking vaguely or desperately for something we never got. Some of us are still beating our heads against the cement trying to get this love from people who, like Mother or Father, are unable to give what we need.”
“Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, I am responsible for myself.”
“Please understand acceptance does not mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. It is only from that state that we have the peace and the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve our problems.”
“One quick way to resolve anger is to stop screaming at the person we’re angry with, figure out what we need from that person, and ask him or her for that. If he or she won’t or can’t give it to us, figure out what we need to do next to take care of ourselves.”
For even more resources on healing anxious attachment, check out 7 Ways to Heal the Anxious Attachment Style, 5 Ways to Heal a Fear of Abandonment, 12 Ways to Make an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work and 9 Ways to Ease Anxiety While Dating.
Healing From the Anxious Attachment Style
Have you read all the books, listened to all the podcast interviews, tried dozens of sessions of therapy, vented to your friends and family, and still feel stuck in a cycle of ending up with emotionally unavailable partners and being abandoned again and again? Trust me when I say that you’re not alone. I’ve spoken with thousands of anxious attachers all over the world who feel the same as you.
I’m here to share a different message—one of inspiration and hope and possibility. You don’t have to continue to live this way: constantly doubting your worth, getting triggered over and over, and feeling lost and without a plan to heal. As a coach for people with an anxious attachment style, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients on five continents to help them heal their wounds, let go of the past, break their relational patterns, learn to set boundaries, and become effective communicators capable of expressing their needs instead of acting out in protest behavior. The same opportunity is available to you.
All you have to do is be willing to change. Be willing to take a leap of faith. Be willing to be coached.
I have no doubt I can help you unlock the emotional security that’s been buried over by years and years of trauma, instability, and nervous system dysregulation. If you’re serious about your healing and are ready to ditch the old ways, I’d be honored to join you on your journey. You can set up a free consultation in the module below.
You’ll look back a year from now and be thankful that you did.
Be sure to also explore my Anxious Attachment Style Healing Toolkit. Just like it sounds, the toolkit is packed with everything you need to accelerate your healing journey from anxious attachment. This is a great option for those who simply need more direction or aren’t in a position to invest in coaching right now but are serious about growing more secure.
