The Anxious Attacher's Guide to Setting Boundaries
This is an excerpt from my book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, available exclusively on Amazon now.
When it comes to relationships, five of the most powerful words that you can ever wield are: “That doesn’t work for me.” This is the essence of a boundary, a guardrail for a given relationship based on what makes you feel most connected and respected. Your boundaries are based on your values, and your values aren't up for collaboration or negotiation. Those who truly care about you will want to know your boundaries because they’ll want to know what makes you feel supported, understood, and cared for—they’ll want to know the ways in which they can love you most loudly and effectively.
A powerful quote that conveys the purpose of boundaries is from writer and somatics practitioner Prentis Hemphill who says, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." Boundaries are firm, but transparent. They don't keep people out; they help to bring them in. They communicate how you can love someone else while also loving yourself. A boundary is communicated out of love, not out of fear. It’s an invitation to step forward together into a richer, more meaningful version of the connection.
That doesn’t always mean the other person will accept that invitation. That’s also not why we set boundaries. Boundaries are just as much about honoring ourselves as they are about the relationship in which they’re established. A relationship exists where the boundaries of each individual overlap. In this way, a lack of clear boundaries is a recipe for losing yourself in a relationship and thus for codependency. Remember, no one comes with an instruction manual of how to be loved. We have to teach other people what works for us. They need to do the same. Boundaries are how that process unfolds.
Boundaries are not requests, though we can certainly request specific adjustments when we're setting them. Think of boundaries like the property lines of the relationship. Just like your property lines aren't up for negotiation, neither are your boundaries. It's you saying, “This is what does and doesn't work for me in this relationship. This is what caring for me looks like. This is what I'm willing to tolerate here—and what I plan to do as a result.”
Here's an example. Many anxious attachers deeply value connection and communication, vulnerability and openness. As a result, many of our boundaries revolve around these values. It's absolutely okay to set a boundary with someone by saying, “I completely understand and respect that you're busy and have a life outside of our relationship, but I've noticed that we sometimes go extended periods without talking. That doesn't work for me. I'd like to talk about ways that we can connect and communicate more often that work for both of us. If we’re unable to compromise here, I’m going to need to take a step back from this relationship.” While you’re leaving room for discussion around how to connect and communicate, you're not negotiating whether it's going to happen. A boundary is a statement. It’s the declaration of the borders of the relationship in which you’re willing to exist, as well as how you intend to enforce those borders.
A request, on the other hand, is a question. It asks someone to make an adjustment to their behavior that in turn will help you feel more appreciated, supported, connected, and understood. Using the above situation with long lapses in communication as an example, a request might sound like, “I’d like you to initiate communication a bit more by texting or calling me to check in throughout the day. Is that something you’re able to do?” Notice the inviting question at the end here.
A boundary is showing someone where the door is, and allowing them to open it and walk through. A request is asking them to hold the door for you as you both enter. Boundaries could be expressed as: “Next time I notice X, I will do Y—because V is important to me.” Take note of how the goal is not to change their behavior (X). The goal is to communicate what the ramifications of that behavior will be for you (Y), based on what you value most deeply (V). Requests, on the other hand, could be expressed as: “Instead of X, can you Z?” In this case, we’re directly asking for changed behavior (Z) rather than communicating how we’ll change our behavior in response. In the end, boundaries and requests work hand in hand to help us communicate what does and doesn’t work for us in that relationship, as well as occasionally what we’d like that person to do instead.
Whether it’s saying “no” or using the examples provided above, setting and keeping clear boundaries, as well as making requests, can be one of the most difficult parts of healing from anxious attachment and growing more secure. That’s because folks like us are deeply afraid of losing people, pushing them away, or letting them down in any possible way—of rocking the boat or feeling like we’re being “too much.” I know it was for me. For many years, I struggled to tell people what did and didn’t work for me. But the more I learned to regulate my nervous system and take care of myself, the more I wanted to share with others how they could do the same. With practice, you’ll learn to express your boundaries and stand firmly in your power. You’ll stop people-pleasing and peace-keeping. You’ll take back control of your emotional well-being. You’ll grow out of patterns of overextending yourself on behalf of others.
Keep in mind that the folks who have most benefited from your lack of boundaries will likely be the most upset when you try to set firm ones. Do your best not to fall into the trap of taking this personally. It's not about you. If they truly value and respect you, they’ll be more than willing to adhere to your boundaries and will express remorse for making you feel anything other than supported and appreciated. If you receive a different response to communicating a boundary, take note and respond accordingly with the energy you give and access you grant that person.
That said, boundaries are never about trying to control the behavior of others. They’re about expressing the opportunity for someone to choose to remain a participant in our story in such a manner that’s in alignment with our values. Ultimately, boundaries are meant to increase connection, not diminish it; they support the safe expression of love, not the restriction of it. Boundaries lay out the lanes of this expression.
It’s time to stand firm in your values. It’s time to stop abandoning yourself. It’s time to learn how to set and keep healthy boundaries. The exercise below will help you do just that. Follow the prompts provided and reflect on any relationships in your life that could benefit from a compassionately communicated boundary. Then, work your way up to expressing them. Be sure to start small, by declining everyday requests for your time and energy. Build confidence in your boundary-setting abilities by setting them with folks in your life who are safe for you. Keep in mind, it might be effective to practice setting boundaries at work first, since expectations and responsibilities tend to be clearer in a professional capacity than a personal one.
Lastly, don’t forget to set boundaries with yourself. The guardrails provided by boundaries also apply to the relationship we have with ourselves. And sometimes, they’re the most helpful of all. For instance, setting boundaries with yourself around screen time can help tremendously with your anxiety. Setting boundaries with yourself around when and how you use social media can be majorly helpful as well. I’ve had other clients who’ve set boundaries with themselves for how many drinks they’ll have on a date with someone or how long they’ll allow the date to go before heading home. Still others have set boundaries with themselves regarding the extent to which they’ll be physically intimate with someone while in the early stages of dating. Reflect on your values and do what feels most aligned for you.
From Anxiety to Empowerment: How to Set Healthy Boundaries as an Anxiously Attached Person
Follow these guidelines when setting a boundary with someone:
Do not try to set or keep a boundary via text message. I repeat: do not do this via text. At the bare minimum this should be a phone or video call. Ideally, do this in person if possible.
Speak in a calm but firm tone.
Make sure you maintain open body language (i.e. no crossed legs or arms, no slouching).
Tell the other person that there’s something important that you want to talk about or get off your chest. Ask them if they’re in a space where they can talk about it. Keep in mind that they might say no, in which case you should respect that they’re not ready. If so, try again at the next available opportunity.
Start by expressing what it is that you witnessed. Try to be as objective as possible, limiting any emotional language and instead focusing on the facts of the situation.
Identify the value that’s important to you and upon which you’re building the boundary. For instance, if honesty is important to you and it seems like you were misled or there was a betrayal of trust, make it clear that honesty and transparency are crucial for you to feel safe in the relationship.
Transition to expressing how the situation made you feel. Explain why what happened was uncomfortable or unpleasant for you, detailing how it triggered you or what it reminded you of from the past. This is critical to letting your partner into your emotional experience. Make sure you connect the dots for them.
Then, set the boundary. This will sound like so: “If I notice _______ in the future, I will _______.”
You can also make a request. Typically, this is done in the form of a question, such as: “Do you think you could _______ moving forward?”
Give them time to process and respond, but pay close attention to how they react to setting the boundary, and, of course, how they behave moving forward.
If your boundaries repeatedly get trampled, even after several attempts at communicating the value behind them and their importance to you, reconsider the role you want this person to play in your life. Reduce the amount of time and energy you’re investing into the situation or relationship. If the crossing of the boundaries is egregious enough, it may also warrant cutting the person off completely. Just keep in mind that only you can determine what the best course of action is for the sake of your emotional safety. Remember, your inner peace is worth more than any relationship. If someone can’t respect that, you don’t want them in your life anyway. Being willing to let go of the wrong connections is what makes space for the right ones to enter your life.
As you grow more confident in your boundary-setting abilities, you’ll also realize that boundaries don’t have to be a full-blown conversation every time, either. Sometimes a boundary can be a simple statement. Here are some examples:
I need us to keep this civil. If you don’t lower your voice, I’ll need to revisit this conversation at a time when you can speak calmly.
Please don’t make comments about _______ moving forward. If I hear things like that again, I’m going to leave the room.
I need to take a break from this discussion; I’ll be back in 15 minutes. We can pick this up then.
A Boundary-Setting Exercise for People With an Anxious Attachment Style
Take a few moments to reflect on any boundaries that might be worth setting in your relationships. Use the tips above as well to assist you. Be sure to use the formula provided previously for the purpose of this exercise: “Next time I notice X, I will do Y—because V is important to me.” In this formula, “X” represents someone’s behavior, “Y” represents what you will do in response, and “V” represents the value you hold dear.
BOUNDARY 1:
I’m setting this boundary with:
I noticed this behavior:
This is what I will do in response:
This is the value to which my response is aligned:
BOUNDARY 2:
I’m setting this boundary with:
I noticed this behavior:
This is what I will do in response:
This is the value to which my response is aligned:
BOUNDARY 3:
I’m setting this boundary with:
I noticed this behavior:
This is what I will do in response:
This is the value to which my response is aligned:
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