3 Ways to Overcome Codependency
Codependency is a deeply ingrained pattern of self-abandonment that often stems from unresolved trauma and insecure attachment. It manifests as an overwhelming need for validation, control, or emotional reliance on others, particularly in romantic relationships. Left unaddressed, codependency can become a form of emotional addiction—one that traps us in unhealthy cycles of seeking external validation instead of fostering inner stability.
In this post, we’ll explore what codependency is, how it relates to addiction, how to recognize its early signs, and practical steps to overcome it.
[This blog is based on my podcast episode, How to Conquer Codependency. Watch or listen on Spotify Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Podcasts, and iHeart Podcasts.]
What is codependency?
At its core, codependency is the loss of self in relationships. It occurs when we prioritize someone else’s needs, emotions, and approval over our own, often in an attempt to avoid abandonment. This behavior is closely tied to anxious attachment, a cycle that includes:
Trauma
Codependency
Abandonment
Nervous system dysregulation
Stress aversion
Addiction
A key characteristic of codependency is enmeshment—an unhealthy desire to be consumed by another person to create a sense of deep intimacy. When we become enmeshed, boundaries blur, and our self-worth becomes entirely dependent on another person’s validation. This often leads to emotional exhaustion and unbalanced relationship dynamics where one person is constantly overextending while the other becomes reliant on that imbalance.
Codependency as a form of addiction
Many people associate addiction with substances like alcohol or drugs, but codependency operates on the same fundamental principles—it’s an addiction to a person, validation, or relationship intensity.
At its core, addiction is about avoiding pain and seeking relief. People struggling with codependency often have an unconscious belief that they are unworthy of love unless they "earn" it by over-giving, sacrificing, or fixing others. The emotional highs of validation and affection create a temporary sense of security—just like a drug provides a temporary escape from discomfort.
However, just like with substance addiction, the relief codependency provides is short-lived. When the emotional “high” fades—when a partner pulls away, acts unpredictably, or stops providing constant validation—intense withdrawal symptoms set in. Feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and panic arise, leading the codependent person to seek another emotional "fix" through reassurance, control, or overextension.
In this way, codependency becomes a self-reinforcing cycle:
Emotional deprivation leads to an intense craving for love and validation.
Enmeshment happens quickly, often through fast-tracked intimacy or people-pleasing.
Emotional withdrawal occurs when the other person inevitably pulls away or fails to meet impossible expectations.
Anxiety and panic set in, reinforcing the need for more validation.
The key to breaking this cycle is to stop seeking external relief and start building inner resilience—learning how to self-soothe, set boundaries, and cultivate self-worth independently.
A personal story: the trap of emotional dependence
Several years ago, I found myself deeply entangled in a relationship that consumed every part of my identity. I had just moved to a new city, and with no close friends or family nearby, I was vulnerable—socially isolated, emotionally depleted, and craving connection.
Three weeks into my move, I met someone. The connection was intense—we spent every free moment together, texted constantly, and within a month, I had unknowingly abandoned my own life. My hobbies, friendships, and personal goals all took a backseat to this relationship. I relied on his presence to feel safe and validated.
But then, as with all codependent dynamics, the push-pull cycle began. He needed space, and I panicked. When he pulled away, I overcompensated—trying harder, doing more, anxiously attempting to “fix” what I thought was going wrong. The more I clung, the more he withdrew.
Eventually, the relationship collapsed under its own weight. The emotional withdrawal felt unbearable—like going through detox. I wasn’t just mourning the loss of a partner; I was mourning the loss of my sense of self because I had given so much of it away.
This painful experience forced me to recognize the pattern I had been repeating for years. I realized that I was using relationships the way some people use alcohol or drugs—as a way to escape loneliness, fear, and self-doubt.
Early warning signs of codependency
Recognizing codependency is the first step toward healing. Here are some common red flags:
Canceling plans in hopes of seeing a romantic interest: If you frequently drop commitments or avoid making plans just in case your partner wants to spend time together, this may indicate codependent tendencies.
Rushing physical intimacy: Engaging in fast-tracked relationships, especially when seeking security through physical closeness, can be a sign of enmeshment.
Neglecting self-care: When self-care routines, hobbies, and personal goals take a backseat to a relationship, it often signals self-abandonment.
Feeling intense loneliness and isolation: Codependency thrives in emotional deprivation. If your world revolves around one person while neglecting other relationships, it may be time to reassess your emotional resources.
Trying to “save” or “fix” someone: Making someone else’s problems your own is a classic sign of codependency. It often stems from the need to be needed, but ultimately, it prevents both people from growing.
How to break free from codependency
Healing from codependency requires intentional work and self-awareness. Here are three powerful strategies:
1. Bring the focus back to yourself
Instead of looking to someone else for emotional fulfillment, start investing in your own well-being. Build a relationship with yourself by practicing self-love, pursuing your interests, and reconnecting with your inner voice.
2. Stick to your routine
A strong sense of self comes from maintaining your own identity. Continue engaging in hobbies, friendships, and personal growth activities—even when in a relationship. A well-balanced life reduces dependency on any one person for emotional security.
3. Set and maintain boundaries
Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. Ask yourself:
What can I give without overextending myself?
What boundaries allow me to love others while still loving myself?
Where do I need to say "no" to protect my well-being?
A strong boundary isn’t about keeping people out—it’s about keeping yourself intact.
Final thoughts on codependency
Codependency is a cycle that can be broken with conscious effort, self-awareness, and boundary-setting. Healing requires shifting from external validation to internal self-worth, learning to self-soothe, and fostering relationships that are built on mutual respect rather than dependency.
Remember this: Your romantic partner should add to your life, not consume it.
For a deeper dive into overcoming anxious attachment and codependency, check out my book, Needy No More: The Journey from Anxious to Secure Attachment.
Have you struggled with codependency in relationships? Share your experiences in the comments below.
If you feel you need support while breaking the cycle of codependency and anxious attachment, I’d be honored to join you on your healing journey. You can set up a free consultation with me here, or through the module below.
